I lay here thinking, wondering what will it come of. I lay here looking to the future and the past, wondering how to alter the present to make the good things last. I ask for help, a sign, an answer. I question my resolve, doubt my thirst, my soul is a cancer. When all is dead, the outside barren because the soil is dry, when all has wilted and gone because the earth is parched and robbed, I will be the dry corpse, the filthy feint of a dream lost, a nightmare realized and a death's shadow walking. Can't the end be troubled no more by the occurrences of the present. Why won't will in of itself steer the course of this storm tossed vessel. Skies clear, clouds lighten, I beckon the bright, warm sun. Calm this startled, splintered heart for no more can it hold these heavy things. Brittle and broken this bony man be and may the end of this drought come quickly to me.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Day By Day
Some days come and go without a sound. Others pass by with barely a whisper but they shake us to our bones, to our soul, to our heart.</p>
<p>Depression, madness, rage are born from this silence. The quiet consumes our thoughts, preys on our fears, invokes in us a primal, unquenchable anger.</p>
<p>Please end. Please never come. Please be gone. This hollow hole of a being will falter finally.
Feared Future
Tracing down a forlorn wall, the lies portrayed fester and fan the echoes of inhuman horrors wrought by man's hand. What will be our end, our eulogy, our conviction once our soul has leaked out from our cold, callous, depraved hearts. Will the wretched stench of our failure and selfish fealty wreak upon the lofty clouds of heaven. As one's gaze lifts upwards they will lament and weep over the stains that our sins have lavished upon the sky. The once vast, hopeful and inspiring palette will no longer brighten. Its rains will no longer refresh. Its canopy will no longer comfort from the suffocating heat. Like virulent mold our lives will spread poison and sour all that is good. For we are man. May we unite in the discord we embrace.
A Structure
Thoughts collide in our minds distinguishing feeling and emotion. It's nearly troublesome and awe-inspiring at the same time to attempt to comprehend how fear and bliss, anxiety and peace, revulsion and solace can exist in one's mind. Granted, these emotions are rarely felt at the same time but they can at times be turned from one to another like the pages of a book. I think part of the key to survival and in a way happiness is focusing on things that bring us joy, dealing with matters that make us feel otherwise and then attempting to let those negatives go as best we know how. That control is at times extremely difficult to master and perhaps even impossible but nonetheless necessary to try. Control what you can control.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Mom and Dad (Part 4)
"Kylah Rose Franklin! What on this earth!" Her Mother immediately started in on her as she walked into the house. Her lips blue and face ashen, her Mother getting a closer look at her, gasped and then started yelling again.
"Where is your coat? Why are you freezing? Didn't you come straight from the garage? And what in heaven is that box. It looks like it should be tossed out with the garbage!"
One would imagine that a daughter coming in from the snow, shivering and obviously quite cold would get more sympathy and less chastisement from their Mother. Walking past her Mother into the den where the fire was crackling and more importantly warm and toasty, she placed the box down in front of the hearth. It was then she heard the golden, thick and loving voice of her Father.
"Evening Kylah, your Mother certainly is worked up about something. Any idea what her problem is?" She was never sure if it was the years he spent as a judge or he had just come about this talent naturally but he had an unfailing knack at dispelling the most tense and unnerving situation at any time. She thought he most likely could step in front of a stampeding pack of bulls barreling down the streets of Spain, say a casual word or two and they would all slow to a halt and go on their merry way. Maybe she thought this simply because he was her Dad.
His talent worked on her and most everyone else she met except for her Mother. "Samuel, your daughter is home late, has lost her coat and is freezing cold. And! Has no explanation for any of it. Oh, and she has some strange box with her. What are you going to do about it Samuel?"
"Abby, isn't it good that our daughter has the good sense to come in to the den to get warm before the fire? Kylah dear, have you lost your coat?" This entire time my Dad had been reading the paper and hadn't seen me. He would always do this. You'd think he wasn't paying attention but he always was. You could never get anything past him. It had been tried time and time again with no success and only led to a whole barrel full of problems.
"No Dad, I have it right here and look!" With that, my Dad lowered the paper he was reading and he peered down as I was opening the lid of the box.
"Oh my, what do we have here?" He placed his paper to the side, stood up and crept carefully so as not to disturb the tiny kittens and mother inside the box.
At the same time my Mother was standing behind my Father's recliner, hands firmly planted on her hips and fully attired with a stern, condemnatory expression instantly gasped and then started squeeling with glee. One second she was about ready to permanently ground me, the next she was acting like a giddy, little school girl. Even though stern and serious, my Mother was a very good lady. She had an amazing heart and just wasn't capable of hiding her feelings.
Gingerly, he inspected the kittens and the mother and carefully lifted them with the coat out from the box. His expression turned serious as he started examining the mother closer. My Father glanced up towards my Mother, "Abigail, bring some milk in a bowl, some warm water and dry towels."
The next words my Father spoke made my heart sink and silenced the cheerful sounds of glee coming from my Mother. "Please be quick about it dear, the mother looks like she might not make it."
"Where is your coat? Why are you freezing? Didn't you come straight from the garage? And what in heaven is that box. It looks like it should be tossed out with the garbage!"
One would imagine that a daughter coming in from the snow, shivering and obviously quite cold would get more sympathy and less chastisement from their Mother. Walking past her Mother into the den where the fire was crackling and more importantly warm and toasty, she placed the box down in front of the hearth. It was then she heard the golden, thick and loving voice of her Father.
"Evening Kylah, your Mother certainly is worked up about something. Any idea what her problem is?" She was never sure if it was the years he spent as a judge or he had just come about this talent naturally but he had an unfailing knack at dispelling the most tense and unnerving situation at any time. She thought he most likely could step in front of a stampeding pack of bulls barreling down the streets of Spain, say a casual word or two and they would all slow to a halt and go on their merry way. Maybe she thought this simply because he was her Dad.
His talent worked on her and most everyone else she met except for her Mother. "Samuel, your daughter is home late, has lost her coat and is freezing cold. And! Has no explanation for any of it. Oh, and she has some strange box with her. What are you going to do about it Samuel?"
"Abby, isn't it good that our daughter has the good sense to come in to the den to get warm before the fire? Kylah dear, have you lost your coat?" This entire time my Dad had been reading the paper and hadn't seen me. He would always do this. You'd think he wasn't paying attention but he always was. You could never get anything past him. It had been tried time and time again with no success and only led to a whole barrel full of problems.
"No Dad, I have it right here and look!" With that, my Dad lowered the paper he was reading and he peered down as I was opening the lid of the box.
"Oh my, what do we have here?" He placed his paper to the side, stood up and crept carefully so as not to disturb the tiny kittens and mother inside the box.
At the same time my Mother was standing behind my Father's recliner, hands firmly planted on her hips and fully attired with a stern, condemnatory expression instantly gasped and then started squeeling with glee. One second she was about ready to permanently ground me, the next she was acting like a giddy, little school girl. Even though stern and serious, my Mother was a very good lady. She had an amazing heart and just wasn't capable of hiding her feelings.
Gingerly, he inspected the kittens and the mother and carefully lifted them with the coat out from the box. His expression turned serious as he started examining the mother closer. My Father glanced up towards my Mother, "Abigail, bring some milk in a bowl, some warm water and dry towels."
The next words my Father spoke made my heart sink and silenced the cheerful sounds of glee coming from my Mother. "Please be quick about it dear, the mother looks like she might not make it."
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Finally A Friend (Part 3)
Alexander Cornelius III bounded toward her and leapt into her arms. It was this moment tears once again started streaming down her face. These were not tears of anguish but of relief and even though she felt a twinge of guilt, she felt happy for a brief moment. She enveloped Alex, her beloved cat, in her arms squeezing him until he meowed in disapproval but with affection.
He was in a way given to her by her Father on her 16th birthday and even though she could tell Alex was quite terrified he seemed to be alright. No injuries or fur out of place from what she could tell. His claws dug into her arms as he kneaded her skin and purred like a finely tuned engine. His body was rigid and his muscles taut as his eyes would not stop darting around the darkened room. It was as if he fully expected the devil himself to leap out at them at any moment. She gave him kisses as her tears soaked into his long, soft fur.
He was the odd one out in the litter he came from. In other words he was the runt but no one explained that to him. His brothers and sisters were all shades and patterns of charcoal and hues of grey. He was as white as snow. His siblings were also much bigger than him, scurrying around like kittens usually do whereas he would appear more like a clumsy, stumbling midget that had too much to drink. Even then she knew he had fight. Tinier but unrelenting he fought his siblings for their mother's milk and grew into a strong, beautiful animal.
The night she found him she was coming home from the movies. She was pulling into the driveway and her headlights swept across a barely visible cardboard box in the ditch. It was a wintery night much like tonight, blustery wind blowing powdery snow across the road making visibility difficult. She grew up in weather like this though so she was used to it. At first she thought nothing of the box, drove up to the house, parked her car in the garage and was about to go inside, eagerly wanting to get warm. Her curiosity got the better of her as she thought to herself that anything in this snow should be many feet deep buried in it. She knew the box hadn't been there long.
She trekked out to the ditch, wiped off the snow from the flimsy box, flipped open the lid and peering back at her were the big, bright eyes of five kittens and a very skinny, sickly mother. Her heart instantly broke. She couldn't conceive the type of person that would drop baby animals off to die like this. Perhaps they hoped someone would come along to pick up and take care of them but the chance was still much greater that they would freeze to death in this weather. They were one big, shivering ball curled up amongst one another.
She took her coat off and carefully laid the emaciated animals on it in hopes that her body heat would start to warm them. Placing her coat in the box, she picked them up and trudged back through the snow and the obstinate wind to the house. Her parents were in for a surprise.
He was in a way given to her by her Father on her 16th birthday and even though she could tell Alex was quite terrified he seemed to be alright. No injuries or fur out of place from what she could tell. His claws dug into her arms as he kneaded her skin and purred like a finely tuned engine. His body was rigid and his muscles taut as his eyes would not stop darting around the darkened room. It was as if he fully expected the devil himself to leap out at them at any moment. She gave him kisses as her tears soaked into his long, soft fur.
He was the odd one out in the litter he came from. In other words he was the runt but no one explained that to him. His brothers and sisters were all shades and patterns of charcoal and hues of grey. He was as white as snow. His siblings were also much bigger than him, scurrying around like kittens usually do whereas he would appear more like a clumsy, stumbling midget that had too much to drink. Even then she knew he had fight. Tinier but unrelenting he fought his siblings for their mother's milk and grew into a strong, beautiful animal.
The night she found him she was coming home from the movies. She was pulling into the driveway and her headlights swept across a barely visible cardboard box in the ditch. It was a wintery night much like tonight, blustery wind blowing powdery snow across the road making visibility difficult. She grew up in weather like this though so she was used to it. At first she thought nothing of the box, drove up to the house, parked her car in the garage and was about to go inside, eagerly wanting to get warm. Her curiosity got the better of her as she thought to herself that anything in this snow should be many feet deep buried in it. She knew the box hadn't been there long.
She trekked out to the ditch, wiped off the snow from the flimsy box, flipped open the lid and peering back at her were the big, bright eyes of five kittens and a very skinny, sickly mother. Her heart instantly broke. She couldn't conceive the type of person that would drop baby animals off to die like this. Perhaps they hoped someone would come along to pick up and take care of them but the chance was still much greater that they would freeze to death in this weather. They were one big, shivering ball curled up amongst one another.
She took her coat off and carefully laid the emaciated animals on it in hopes that her body heat would start to warm them. Placing her coat in the box, she picked them up and trudged back through the snow and the obstinate wind to the house. Her parents were in for a surprise.
Monday, June 4, 2012
No Answers and More Questions (Part 2)
Recovering from the initial fright, now frozen by shock and doubt she stared at her phone. It was the number of the man she loved flashing up at her but this night was already full of surprises, the mystery of her family's death and the unexplained events as to her boyfriend's dissappearance and a plethora of other questions that flooded her thoughts. She didn't trust that the voice on the other end would be him. She hit ignore and let it go to voicemail. She'd been without him for two years. On the night he shows up all hell breaks loose. He can leave a message.
Quietly but quickly she ascended the steps and slipped through the already ajar door from when she earlier bolted out in terror. She had two goals, get clothes, a few other necessary items and find any clues as to the reason for this massacre.
She crept through the hallway leading to the family room where her loved ones were. They had all come over because she was supposed to bring Collin back after their dinner. He was a fond and old friend of her Father and had more or less grown up with her half brother. After her and Collin had gotten into a serious relationship he quickly became a household regular and was well liked by her sister, Mother and best friend.
As she approached the room she didn't want to turn the corner but she knew she had to. If she was going to find some semblance of balance to this ghastly night of terror she had to confront this horror once again.
Right before she was about to walk in her phone buzzed once more. It was a text message from Collin. "This is important. Don't go to your parents! Sorry for missing our date. I'll explain later. Love you babe."
Seriously! You're sorry, you'll explain later! Had her boyfriend of three years lost his god-damned mind? As her blood started to boil it dawned on her that he knew something. How did he know that it wouldn't be safe at her parent's home? As quickly as the thought entered her mind she forced it away out of fear. What if it wasn't even him that sent the message? What if he too danger and the worse had happened to him as well? Something very strange and very wrong was going on. She wanted to call him up, yell and scream at him but more than anything she wanted to hear his comforting voice. Being separate from someone you love dearly for so long makes you treasure the little things that a lot of couples take for granted. She could get lost when he talked to her. At times it didn't matter what even he was talking about. It could have been the bloody weather in Bali for all she cared. His voice was the warmest, most embracing and secure hug in her mind. Soon she thought, soon.
For now she had to get out of here. The police would be arriving soon and she couldn't take the time to be tied up in the slow, bureaucratic process that involved more paperwork than progress in the justice system. Her Father being a judge, she knew all to well the process or lack there of when it came to situations like these.
She took the last final steps into the room. Her heart broke as she surveyed the scene. Nothing was out of place. Nothing broken. Nothing stolen from what she could tell. It was almost as if everyone were still quietly enjoying their evening. Her Dad even still had a sort of smile on his face. But they were all dead, murdered at gun point. Whoever had done this didn't even give them time to fight back and that terrified her even more. It was precise, cold and lethal. Who would do such a thing and for what reason?
As she took a step to get a closer look her heart leaped. She heard movement and a vase shattered to the floor beside her as the lights went black. She wasn't alone.
Quietly but quickly she ascended the steps and slipped through the already ajar door from when she earlier bolted out in terror. She had two goals, get clothes, a few other necessary items and find any clues as to the reason for this massacre.
She crept through the hallway leading to the family room where her loved ones were. They had all come over because she was supposed to bring Collin back after their dinner. He was a fond and old friend of her Father and had more or less grown up with her half brother. After her and Collin had gotten into a serious relationship he quickly became a household regular and was well liked by her sister, Mother and best friend.
As she approached the room she didn't want to turn the corner but she knew she had to. If she was going to find some semblance of balance to this ghastly night of terror she had to confront this horror once again.
Right before she was about to walk in her phone buzzed once more. It was a text message from Collin. "This is important. Don't go to your parents! Sorry for missing our date. I'll explain later. Love you babe."
Seriously! You're sorry, you'll explain later! Had her boyfriend of three years lost his god-damned mind? As her blood started to boil it dawned on her that he knew something. How did he know that it wouldn't be safe at her parent's home? As quickly as the thought entered her mind she forced it away out of fear. What if it wasn't even him that sent the message? What if he too danger and the worse had happened to him as well? Something very strange and very wrong was going on. She wanted to call him up, yell and scream at him but more than anything she wanted to hear his comforting voice. Being separate from someone you love dearly for so long makes you treasure the little things that a lot of couples take for granted. She could get lost when he talked to her. At times it didn't matter what even he was talking about. It could have been the bloody weather in Bali for all she cared. His voice was the warmest, most embracing and secure hug in her mind. Soon she thought, soon.
For now she had to get out of here. The police would be arriving soon and she couldn't take the time to be tied up in the slow, bureaucratic process that involved more paperwork than progress in the justice system. Her Father being a judge, she knew all to well the process or lack there of when it came to situations like these.
She took the last final steps into the room. Her heart broke as she surveyed the scene. Nothing was out of place. Nothing broken. Nothing stolen from what she could tell. It was almost as if everyone were still quietly enjoying their evening. Her Dad even still had a sort of smile on his face. But they were all dead, murdered at gun point. Whoever had done this didn't even give them time to fight back and that terrified her even more. It was precise, cold and lethal. Who would do such a thing and for what reason?
As she took a step to get a closer look her heart leaped. She heard movement and a vase shattered to the floor beside her as the lights went black. She wasn't alone.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Lost in a Moment of Terror (The Beginning)
Synapses stinging with the jolting sight she just witnessed, she stumbled out into the crisp, billowy night air. Snow crunching under her feet, the sky clear and bright, the images embedded in her mind brought her to her knees, crumpling in a ball weeping uncontrollably. If it were not for the warm, slick blood on her hands and the pervasive odor of death in her nostrils she wouldn't have believed her eyes. All of her senses were shouting to her the grim reality of one sick, nauseating truth. They were gone, they were all gone.
She attempted to force herself to calm down and to think, to assess the situation as blood-curdling as it was. Her mind started to think back to the horrific scene that was splayed out before her as she arrived home.
She looked down at her white satin dress and started to recall the night's events leading up to the nightmare she was now living. The elegant gown she was wearing she had been saving for a specific special occasion. She felt like royalty when she slipped it on. She occasionally would meticulously remove it from the protective garment bag she kept it in, inhale the sweet, fresh smell and then slip it on. She put it on when her heart couldn't take the loneliness anymore from missing him. She would close her eyes and sway, imagining his touch, his aroma and the way he always made her feel. She felt safe in his arms, protected and secure. He also made her feel loved and special. She was saving this dress to wear for when he came back, when he came home to her. Tonight she slipped it on, not due to loneliness but with excitement and pure glee. Tonight was supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of their life together.
Instead the white fabric of her satin gown was stained in the blood of her family and her best and closest friend. Rage was starting to replace fear and melancholy. Her jaw tightened as she stood tall on her feet. She wanted answers. She knew she couldn't stay there much longer but she ventured back into the house to see what clues she could find as to why she was now living in this hell.
She also needed to know why her boyfriend after promising to meet her and being away for two years left her waiting at their favorite restaurant. They had been eagerly planning this night since he left and now she was still alone and even more lost. After two hours and too many glasses of wine, no call and no message, she left. She didn't know yet know how to go about finding the answer to where he was but she wanted information. She needed those answers. As she started walking up the steps to the house her phone rang. It was him.
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